The Funny Pages
It wuz jest in pun…..don’t have a cow!
Sign in a pasture near Tarpon Springs, Florida:
IF YOU’RE GOING TO CROSS THIS FIELD
YOU’D BETTER BE ABLE TO DO IT IN 9.9 SECONDS
BECAUSE THE BULL CAN DO IT IN 10


DO THE FUNKY CHICKEN!
Abbott and Costello’s famous baseball routine:
“WHO’S ON FIRST”


I have identified five varieties of the Mosquito, Florida’s State Bird:
Inland Mosquito, Itchus incrediliblus
Coastal Mosquito, Makehumanus miserablus
Salt Marsh Mosquito, Attackenmassus takenoprisonerus
Beneficial Mosquito, Eatus moretouristii
And, of course, the Southern Mosquito, Chasebacknorthus yankeeus


Flea market: What happens when the grocery store catches fire.
Hamburger: Cow patty.
Kudzu: Power plant.
Massachusetts Humane Society: The Boston Flea Party


Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close down, but they would not. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They would not.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest, most vicious thug in town, to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close their business. Terrified, they did so – thereby proving that…
…only Hugh can prevent florist friars.


What kind of dance does a thunderstorm do? The rumba!
Why did the weatherman put his coat on backwards? To avoid a cold front!
The Goverment of California = Cal Poly-ticks.
What kind of batteries do mountain climbers use? Everesty!
There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat? Polly Unsaturated.


There were 3 guys all going hunting: 2 smart ones and a dumb one.
The first smart guy went out and came back with a huge grizzly bear.
The dumb guy asked him ‘How did you get that huge grizzly bear?’
The smart guy said, ‘I followed the tracks, went in the cave, and shot the bear.’
Then the second smart guy went out and came back with a huge black bear.
The dumb guy asked him, ‘How did you get that huge black bear?’
The smart guy said, ‘I followed the tracks, went in the cave, and shot the bear.’
So the dumb guy went out and came back all bloody and cut up.
The two smart guys asked, ‘What happened to you?’
The dumb guy said, ‘I followed the tracks, went in the cave, and got hit by a train!’


Today, car sickness is what you get from looking at the sticker price.
Why do elephants have trunks? They’d look pretty silly with glove compartments
What goes over hill and vale, makes a noise but never a trail? The wind!
What do you get when you cross an gangster and a garbage man? Organized grime.
Why can’t electric cars cross the country? Extension cords aren’t long enough!
What has eighteen legs and catches flies? A baseball team!
A tornado blew away my car and left another in its place. Musta been a trade wind.
Scotland Yard: Three feet. The same as anywhere else.


Three Canadians and three Americans were travelling to a hockey game.
The three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians buy only a single ticket.
‘How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?’, asks an American.
‘Watch and you’ll see,’ says a Canadian.
They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians
cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the bathroom door and says, ‘Ticket please!’ The door opens a crack and a
single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans
see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.
So after the game they decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment the
Canadians don’t buy a ticket at all.
‘How are you going to travel without a ticket?’ asks one perplexed American.
‘Watch and you’ll see,’ replies a Canadian.
When they board the train the three Americans cram into a bathroom and the three Canadians cram
into another bathroom nearby.
Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to the other bathroom
where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door and says, ‘Ticket please!’


Exercise and diet are the best ways to fight hazardous waists.
Sign on an animal shelter: “Meowy Christmas and Yappy New Year”
Flood: A river that’s too big for it’s bridges.
Television will never replace the newspaper. You can’t swat a fly with a rolled-up TV.
First it’s December with Ho! Ho! Ho!. Then it’s January with Owe! Owe! Owe!.


Mrs. Davidson’s dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. He couldn’t accommodate her with an evening appointment, and, since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you the check. By the way, don’t worry about my Doberman. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, talk to my parrot!”
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson’s apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.
However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant fussing, yelling, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn’t stand it any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied: “Get him, Spike!”


Murphy’s Laws
1.
If it can go wrong, it will.
2. …in the worst possible fashion.
3. …and at the worst possible time.
4. The microwave turntable will always stop with the food at the back of the microwave.
5. Toast will always land with the buttered side down.
6. If you like the product, the manufacturer will stop making it.
7. If you like the food, the resturaunt will close down.
8. A weapon will rarely, if ever, be used in the role for which is was designed.
9. You will invent the better mousetrap right after all your customers buy cats.
10. If the mechanic says “It’ll be O.K.”, it won’t.
11. The rare bird will fly away as you are raising your binoculars.
12. The “abandoned” pasture still contains a bull.


This tale appeared in the May 1994 issue of Country magazine…
A Nebraska rancher spent the entire summer making a huge stack of hay to feed his cows through the upcoming winter. When he thought he had enough, he sent his son down to the Indian reservation to ask the wise old chief what kind of winter they’d have. The chief solemnly shook his head, tapped his temple with his finger and said, “Bad winter.”
This alarmed the rancher, so he made his haystack even bigger to make sure he’d have enough for his cows. Then he sent his son back to the reservation to again ask the chief about the winter. This time the chief replied, “Bad winter. Much snow.” Upon hearing this even worse report, the rancher made even more hay, then once more sent his son to the old Indian chief to get the latest weather forecast.
This time the chief replied, “Bad winter. Much cold. Deep snow for many moons!” Impressed by the chief’s savvy and obvious conviction with his forecast, the rancher’s son finally asked, “How do you know this?”
The chief touched his temple, pointed in the distance, then said, “‘Cause white man make much hay.”


Badmutton: Game played with the butcher.
Baseball player: He who needs weeks of spring training for a summer of playing games.
Cartoon: Song sung in an automobile.
Comedian: Man with a pun-track mind.
Embezzlement: Bankers away!
Eureka: An euphemism for “You smell bad”.
Filing cabinet: A place where you lose things alphabetically.


A flea and a fly flew up the flue
Said the fly to the flea, “What shall we do?”
Said the flea, “Let’s fly”
Said the fly, “Let’s flee”
So they fluttered through a flaw in the flue.


What was the tow truck doing at the race track? Pulling a fast one!
Whoever said to “spend” your vacation didn’t know how right they were.
Anyone is welcome to use my lawnmower. As long as it doesn’t leave my yard.
What do you do with a pig that has a sore throat? Apply oinkment!
What do you get when you cross an insect and a rabbit? Bugs Bunny!
What do you call a guy who is accident prone? Rex.


Quips
“The only things that fall from the sky are rain and paratroopers” – U.S. Army
Fall is when the leaves slowly turn from green to gold to work.
Nothing is more beautiful than one snowflake. Unfortunately, they seldom come that way.
Show me cattle with a sense of humor, and I’ll show you laughing stock.
Said one flea to the other, “Shall we walk or shall we take the dog?”
The best way to distinguish between weeds and flowers is to cut them all down…the weeds will grow back.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
“I had hoped that we were hurling a wildcat on to the shore,
but all we had got was a stranded whale” – Sir Winston Churchill, referring to the invasion of Anzio, Italy, in 1943.